America the UnAmerican: The Op-Ed Strip by Alex de Talkville

2011-01-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

Egypt's Internet Goes Dark During Political Unrest(CNET)—Mubarak uses his “Mummy” app.

News from the UK: “Mr Alker says that one council recently announced it was going to warm its swimmimg pool using wasted heat—from the local crematorium. (BBC World Service)—Just keep out of the deep end.

Line of the Day (from BBC World Service story): Guy in Yemen or Tunisia or Cairo says: “We are guilty until we are executed and after we’re executed, we’re given a fair trial.”

2010-08-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Rape investigation of WikiLeaks founder (Times of Malta)--Not many people know it but one of the meanings of "rape" in Swedish is "Nobel Peace Prize."

2010-04-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

Goldman exec: 'I did not mislead' (AP)—Ringleaders never do. That’s why they’re top dogs.

2010-04-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

UN official: Climate deal unlikely this year (AP)—AdT say: “You don’t make ‘deals’ with the climate.”

Poland Feels Shock at the Size of Its Loss (NYT)—Who needs conspiracy theories?

Innovation, by Order of the Kremlin (NYT)—Name of country's newest start-up ‘Galug’ sounds almost as good as ‘Google.’

2010-03-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin Alaska Documentary Goes to Discovery Channel (TVNewswer)—Selling Alaska with a ribbon on the brick.

Pope Had 'No Knowledge' of Transfer, Vatican Says (NYT)--We covered this in our April 18, 2008 post (below).

AdT’s Homily:

In 2001, when he was Cardinal Ratzinger, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF), formerly known as the Holy Office of the Inquisition when medieval waterboarding, testicle crushing and burning at the stake were considered to be virtuous acts, Ole Ratty sent a letter to every single Catholic bishop instructing them how to deal with the threat posed to the Church by child victim terrorists.

Highlights of Josephus Card. Ratzinger Praefectus’ “Epistula De Delictis Gravioribus” (January 2001):

1. “Pontifical secrecy” to be maintained for a period of ten years after the victim reaches the age of eighteen when the legal statute of limitations runs out on the case (when the victim reaches the age of 28).

2. Penalty for breaking silence on the matter: Instant excommunication from the Catholic Church ("latae sententiae") and cold turkey curtailment of access to choir boys.

3. The Holy See to privately conduct the investigation of sex abuse cases; not unlike having former Atty. General Gonzeles’ Justice Dept. investigate violations of the law by members of the Justice Dept. Yeah, right.

Amen

2010-02-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

Bill O'Reilly Will Write History Book about Abraham Lincoln (GalleyCat)—“I cannot tell a lie” upgraded to “Lynch the bastards!”

National Enquirer Officially in the Running for a Pulitzer (HuffPo)—They must have “something” going for them. Explicit pix, perhaps?

BBC signals an end to era of expansion (Times Online)—They're just “BC” now.

2010-02-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

Kirkus Gets a New Owner— from the N.B.A. (NYT)—Culture touchdown. We never thought we’d love football.

BBC tells news staff to embrace social media (Guardian)—“Unattributed source” gains new definition: “The world at large.”

Make Your eReader Look Like a Real Book (GalleyCat)—Keeping up with the Jonesers.

2010-02-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

Haiti 'orphans' case: Misunderstanding or kidnap? (BBC)—If those children were "parentless" as the defendants alleged then their Baptist early adopters surely were "godless."

Few remain as 1962 Pa. coal town fire still burns (AP)—Let us now turn all our attention to those global warming hoaxster reports of the premature melting of the Himalayan glaciers. That just ain’t never gonna happen.

Toyota chief apologizes for global recalls (AP)—To the best of his recollection.

2010-01-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Tehran professors denounce violence on protesters (AP)--“Shahdenfreude”?

Dubai names tallest building after bailout patron (AP)--Sheikh and Awe.

If the US won't stand up to China, who will? (AP)--Not the Chinese.

2009-12-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

Mom fights to be buried with soldier son (AP)—Next gen human rights: Valhalla steerage class for friends, relatives, gay spouses, pets, and—should we draw the line here?--commercial sponsors and replicas of foreclosed homes before they were repossessed. Why not though? It might make the dead happier and bury prejudice, ignorance, and intolerance where they stand. At least they'd die with peace of mind in the same plot.

Couple's Preparedness Helped Them Survive Three Days in Oregon Forest: Nevada couple said it was GPS directions that led them deep into an Oregon forest (AP)—New service coming soon from mobile providers: The Rapture Option. If the Apocalypse doesn’t happen as prophesied, you get a thousand free extra cell minutes and land naked in a nudist colony for snake handlers.

Phone points illegal border crossers to water (AP)—Neat watercooler app. Which raises the unfortunate possibility that illegal migrants might get hacked to death by interfering Homeland Security vigilantes who lead them deeper into the desert. Would that be murder or patriotism?

2009-12-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

Vatican defends sainthood move on World War II-era pope (AP)—Whaddya expect from the Hitler Youth protector of child molesters in priest uniforms? A No Balls Peace Prize?

British court issued arrest warrant for Israel's ex-foreign minister Tzipi Livni over Gaza (NY Daily News)—No illegal settlement expected in this case.

Prominent Chinese Dissident Is Tried (NYT)—Obama twiddles as Rome burns.

2009-12-20T10:52:00.000-08:00

Coping with a Twitter Slowdown (Galley Cat)—Can’t wait for the coma.

As shopping madness hits new heights during the holidays, people can get a little agro, even over a Barbie dollhouse (AP)—Another reason to make it an outhouse.

Berlusconi Attack Spurs Souvenir Doll Sales (NYT)—Barbiesconi.

2009-12-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

Iran to try 3 Americans who crossed Iraqi border (AP)—No one asked him but Ahmadinejad believes in cellmate change.

Atom smasher ramps up collisions before year end (AP)—Citigroup protons next.

Back from combat, women struggle for acceptance (AP)—Shrinks on the house.

2009-12-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

Policeman jailed for Kremlin critic's death (BBC World News)—Two years sentence and all the vodka he can drink, which reduces his sentence by one year.

China recovery gathers strength (BBC World News)—The Chinese are Kunming, the Chinese are Kunming!*

[*Bound footnote: Kunming means “City of Eternal Spring.” This is China’s century unless they engage in nuclear yoga with India.]

Los Angeles court hears Polanski case (swissinfo.ch)—Rosemary’s Booboo.

2009-12-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

Gates: Bin Laden's location has been unknown for years (AFP)—Check Crawford/Houston. Look deeply into his eyes.

Iran slows Internet access before student protests (AP)—Like China in a bull shop.

Palin pokes fun at herself at journalists' dinner (AP)—With a flaming pitchfork.

2009-12-01T08:21:00.000-08:00

White House "dinner crashers" say there's more to the story than what the public knows (AP)—They came for the appetizers and were disappointed. So were we and we didn't even attend.

Official: Afghan buildup involves 30,000 troops (AP)—Obama crashes Afghan party.

Movement under way in California to ban divorce (AP)—Death penalty to be invoked.

2009-11-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

IRAN: Authorities confiscate lawyer Shirin Ebadi's Nobel Peace Prize (LA Times)—If Obama gets a peace price he doesn’t deserve, why shouldn’t Ahmadinejad?

Khmer Rouge war-crimes trial of prison chief Duch closes in surprise twist (CSM)—I’m guilty as hell, now let me go.

Obamas’ Uninvited Guests Prompt an Inquiry (NYT)—Turkeys came to get pardoned by W. but he was out. Or is he? Hard to tell sometimes.

2009-11-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

China Executes 2 for Tainted Milk Scandal (VOA)—Today’s twin headline: 200,000 animals to be sacrificed at Nepal festival (AP). Scapegoat rules for pleasing the gods.

World's oldest sheep, Lucky, dies in Australia at 23 (BBC News)—Lucky in love and in the Guinness Book of World Records. Spared the barbie for two decades.

Britain opens long-awaited Iraq war probe (Bangkok Post)—Lapdog Blair to take witness stand. Mr. Charisma almost made first president of the EU. Isn't he supposed to be envoying peace in the Middle East or something? Sorry, wrong project.

2009-11-19T10:03:00.000-08:00

Karzai sworn in as Afghan leader; vows to fight graft (AP)—What he really meant to say is, he vows to fight “giraffes.” Naturally, we believe him.

Scientists growing meat without animals (LiveScience.com)—What’s the world coming to? That’s like growing toast without wheat.

Plane misses runway in east Congo, landing in lava (AP)—That’s what we call luck. If they’d landed a few hundred million years earlier, the volcano would still have been active.

2009-11-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. After a long absinthe, AdT is back . . .

Clinton: Karzai Must Do More to Fight Corruption in Return for Aid (VOA)—Nothing worse than advice from a used-Karzai salesman.

Libya's Gaddafi preaches to Rome beauties (BBC WN)—Seems that Berlusconi’s been on his knees for all the wrong reasons.

Broadcast pioneer NBC prepares for cable takeover (AP)—What’s next? Socialized literature?

2009-11-15T11:33:00.000-08:00

Memoir Is Palin’s Payback to McCain Campaign (NYT)—From Sen. Joe Lieberman’s review of Palin’s book which was ghostwritten for her by Christian evangelical: “Remember what happened to Sarah in the Book of Genesis when she turned back to look on Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt?” Defends McCain’s choice of Palin as running mate: “Now he’s got a free pile of salt.”

Giuliani Criticizes Plan to Try 9/11 'Mastermind' (NYT)—"They should start with me instead."

Clinton: 'We're not interested in staying in Afghanistan' long-term (CNN)—"50 years short-term is OK."

2009-04-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Fidel Castro: Obama 'misinterpreted' Raul's words (AP)--Tropical Medvedev, Siberian Mugabe.

2009-02-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

Obama to create faith-based office (AP)--Well, we’re losing ours in this Bush retread.

Iraqi prime minister is big winner in vote (AP)--Democracy not now.

Chemical found in human brain causes locusts to swarm (AP)--That explains everything.

2009-01-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

U.S. envoy calls for end to weapons smuggling to Hamas (AP)--How about the U.S. putting an end to the overt supply of Apache helicopters, fighter planes, drones, missiles, miscellaneous weaponry and white phosphorus that Israel uses on civilian targets in Gaza? Or is this just tunnel vision?

Livni vs. Livni: Tzipi's Brother Campaigns for Netanyahu (IsraeliNationalNews.com)--The more militant brother of Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni prefers the hawk to the falcon.

Historical Footnote: During the British Mandate in Palestine, the Livnis' father Eitan Livni was chief operations officer for Irgun, the Jewish militant organization that was responsible for Hamas-type terrorist activities against civilians including the bombing of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem in 1946 and the Yassin Massacre in 1948. Irgun was described as a “terrorist organization” by the likes of the New York Times, BBC, Times of London, the Anglo-American Committee of Enquiry, and prominent world and Jewish figures such as Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, and Hannah Arendt. In 1946, the World Zionist Congress condemned their “shedding of innocent blood as a means of political warfare.” You won’t find any of this mentioned in Tzipi’s official bio on the Knesset’s website. History, too, has become ghettoized. What's the difference between Hamas today and Irgun back then? Apart from the camouflage of propaganda, who can claim the moral superiority of Israel's Irgun that led to the formation of the state of Israel over a terror group like Hamas? Genocide is genocide is genocide. Get a life.

2009-01-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

Gates: Afghan war is America's 'greatest military challenge' (AP)--Obama’s Vietnam and Achilles heel. There is no military solution.

9 out of 10 execs at banks that received bailout still on job (AP)--Send them to work as cashiers in some bank in Kabul.

Verizon’s Earnings Rose 15% in Quarter (NYT)--Warrantless wire-tapping pays handsome dividends, especially their Family Plan package. That's the telecom industrial complex for you.

2009-01-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

For Obama, policy changes will come in First 100 Minutes (AP)--Make us proud again.

UN Secty. Gen. Ban-ki Moon 'appalled' by Gaza's damage (BBC World)--It’s official: The world’s first kosher Holocaust.

Obama on service: 'Everyone's got to be involved' (AP)--Olmert to change his name to Olmertbama.

2009-01-16T10:44:00.000-08:00

Israeli forces shell UN headquarters in Gaza: "A grave mistake” (AP)--You can bet your bottom shekel it was no mistake. It was a clear-cut message to UN Secty. Gen. Ban Ki-moon. “We’re tougher than the North Koreans, you wog.”

Israeli air strikes destroy thousands of pounds of food for refugees (AP)--So take that! And have a cluster bomb of bagels while you’re at it.

Experts: Airplane crashes more survivable now (AP)--Coming soon: You can walk away before the damn plane crashes.

2009-01-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

Bush holds last Cabinet meeting, leaving with 'head held high' (AP)--Says the Headless Hearseman.

In Israel, Joe the Plumber says media shouldn't report war (AP)--They should concentrate on him instead.

Europe baffled by broken gas promises; Russia accuses USA of meddling (FT.com)--Call Joe.

2009-01-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

Gaza: Help plug leakers of army secrets, Israelis urged (Reuters)--Just Google “war crimes.”

Gaza Children Found With Mothers’ Corpses (NYT)--“Mamma Mia!” opens off-Gaza.

Israel rebuffs UN resolution, pursues Gaza war (Reuters)--They must be going by Bernie Madoff’s playbook, ignoring Sun-Tzu. “War as a giant Ponzi scheme.”

2009-01-06T11:52:00.000-08:00

Israeli Strike Hits Refugees Near a U.N. School in Gaza (NYT)--It’s official: “The Shoah must go on.”

Israel Puts Media Clamp on Gaza (NYT)--On both titties.

Tony Blair honored for war on terror in George Bush’s swansong (Times Online)--Sit! Fetch! Defuse!

2009-01-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Madoff Investor’s Suicide was an ‘Act of Honor,’ Brother Says (Bloomberg)--Commits ‘money-kiri.’

Waterford Wedgwood, maker of crystal and china, collapses (AP)--To feature new line of tectonic plates.

Blago pick says ‘Lord ordained senate seat’ (Denverpost.com)--God prefers Wedgwood collection plates.

2008-12-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

Hamas fires more rockets despite Israeli strikes (AP)--Repeat of Lebanon? Couldn’t win that one either.

Japanese man leaves Mexico airport after three-month stay (AP)--Home foreclosure evictees take note: Inactivism is the new activism.

Oregon eyes mileage tax using satellite tech (Democrat Herald.com)--Peeping-toms to be taxed next.

2008-12-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Kennedy declines to make financial disclosure (ITH)--Rush Limbaugh: “Caroline Kennedy had Lee Harvey Oswald’s illegitimate love child!”

Sacred texts: Vatican embraces iTunes prayer book (AP)--"And she’s downloading a stairway to heaven."

Photo captures image of an 'angel' in Charlotte hospital (The State)--Treatment denied due to lack of proper health coverage.

2008-12-17T17:01:00.000-08:00

Bush shoe incident caught Secret Service flatfooted (AP)--First time they ever had to deal with a toerorist.

Bush says he didn't compromise soul to be popular (AP)--He wanted to throw his own shoe back at the reporter but restrained himself.

AG Won't Oversee Madoff Probe (AP)--Anyone notice that his last name is pronounced “made off”? No worries though, the taxpayers will bail out the super-rich who got ripped off by one of their own.

2008-12-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

Skydiver gets tangled on plane, survives 10,000-foot fall (AP)--AdT reads the skytrails & predicts: US economy will manage to land safely on the runway in 2009. Don't fall for the hype about the need for corporate bailout chutes.

After 15 Years, North Carolina Plant Unionizes (NYT)--Finally, Civil War switches to higher gear: North AND South unite against the real foe, corporate slave owners and their plantation managers in Congress.

Bush Says Obama Can't Move Into Blair House Early (AP)--There's room in the back of the bus though, White House supremacists suggest tactfully.

2008-12-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Pardon the lapse in postings. AdT has been away in Balochistan where he has been instructing local entrepreneurs in developing new industries such as recycling old bikinis into chadors.

Bush wants history to see him as a liberator of millions (AFP)--This turkey will never be pardoned.

Heiress Martha 'Sunny' von Bulow dies after 28 years in coma (AP)--Her own personal review: Two lobes up! It was a great movie!

2008-10-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Palin faces new ethics complaint over kids' travel (AP)--But hey, they walked on ice water.

Foreclosures force U.S. families to scale back holiday plans (AP)--Homeless turkeys seek GPS oven.

Starbucks' business may have bottomed (Reuters)--The Dregs of Wrath.

2008-10-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

McCain has terse response on Palin shopping spree (AP)--“The clothes will be returned along with Palin and donated to charity.”

“I made a mistake,” admits Greenspan, “Found a Flaw” (FT.com)--One Flaw over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

The new Concorde: Supersonic jet will get you from London to New York in just three hours (Mail Online)--It’s so fast you can jump from the ledge twice, once in London and once in NY.

2008-10-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

McCain Booed After Trying to Calm Crowd (AP)--When you play with ire . . .

Palin defiant after probe jolts McCain campaign: “You have to read the report” (AFP)--She can’t cite a single book or magazine that she reads in CBS Evening News interview. Suddenly she’s got a reading list--for others.

U.S. space tourist set for blast-off from Kazakhstan (Reuters)--Let’s hope the Space Station doesn’t get foreclosed when he steps outside for a space walk.

2008-10-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

Anti-Obama Book Author Held in Kenya (AP)--Croc of talk has dentures removed.

Ready for Some Lingerie Football? (AOL News)--Future Web TV movie about life during the Great Neo-Depression.

Don't Get Turned Away on Election Day (AOL News)--“Dear Ann Landers, Every election day since 2000 . . . What happened to my rights as an American citizen?”

MAILER-DAEMON@moron.com

2008-10-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

Todd Palin Plans Troopergate Interview (AP)--What’s the difference between a Palin and a Putin? One is a Prime Minister and the other is a sub-prime minister.

U.S. urges Japan, NATO to fight in Afghanistan or write a check (AP)--How about a rain check on that?

Top Psychiatrist Didn’t Report Drug Makers’ Pay (NYT)--His defense: "You're all paranoid schizophrenics."

2008-09-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

Bush Urges Congress to Pass Bailout (NYT)--His idea of the Last Supper.

What will happen to the economy if there's no bailout? (Yahoo News)--See below.

Mugabe promises new Zimbabwe government by week's end (AFP)--Sarah Palin to be sworn in as Vice-Witch.

2008-09-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

Israel asked US for green light to bomb nuclear sites in Iran: Bush rejected (timesonline.com)--Bankrupting the U.S. economy proves a much cheaper October surprise.

McCain Leaves Presidential Debate Up in the Air (AP)--Doctors attempt secret brain implant of Google surge engine.

Promoting Vision of Tourist Bliss in Baghdad (NYT)--Casual Beheadings Friday.

2008-09-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

Foreign banks could qualify for U.S. mortgage bailout (AP)--Talking point for Palin re Bush Doctrine: “No bank left behind.”

McCain: The Making Of A Maverick (SF Chronicle)--He mastered the art of Swift Butt kissing?

New Particle Collider to Be Shut Down for Repairs (NYT)--Protons go on strike, won't collide.

2008-09-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin and the links to a Kenyan witch-hunter (Times Online)--So she’s been to Africa, too.

Prominent Clinton backer and DNC member to endorse McCain (CNN)--That’s rich, a Rothschild calling Obama an “elitist.”

Chinese armchairs linked to eczema outbreak (AFP)--Live prisoners squatting inside who add plushness to upholstery demand at least one shower a week.

2008-09-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

Palin Dad: I taught daughter Sarah to shoot and butcher a moose (Sun)--Presidential material for ‘sho.

Engineer may have been texting before deadly L.A. train wreck (AP)--“I heart Palin . . . ”

Saudi cleric wants death for TV "sorcerers" (Reuters)--Please start with Fox-TV, shukran!

2008-09-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

In First Big Interview, Palin Says, ‘I’m Ready’ (NYT)--God outsourced to Alaska.

Near-death experiences: What really happens to the brain? (LiveScience.com)--Not much to Americans.

Police baggy pants crackdown nets 11 more Floridians (Smoking Gun)--The butt stops here.

2008-09-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Sex, Drug Use and Graft Cited in Interior Department(AP)--Part of Cheney’s secret Task Force strategy with oil company heads in 2001. "Keep 'em buzzy."

Pakistan prime minister rebukes U.S. for secret cross-border raid (AP)--Get abused to it.

Palin Sticks To Her Script: She's Steering Clear of Questions (AOL News)--The Flying None.

2008-09-09T07:33:00.001-07:00

Study: US 'Dangerously Vulnerable' to WMD (AOL News)--WMEs (Weapons of Mass Evangelicals) more fearsome. Palin channeling God’s will, after all we’ve been through, is the last straw in the manger.

U.S. officials think N. Korea's Kim Jong Il may be gravely ill (AP)--Someone showed Palin where N. Korea is on the map.

Sarah Palin dolls go on sale as John McCain's running mate's popularity soars (Telegraph.co.uk)--The Caped Curseaider.

2008-09-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

Palin’s 'perfect populist pitch' (AP)--“It’s the moose stew, stupid!”

Palin: U.S. sent troops to Iraq on a 'task that is from God' (AP)--“It’s God’s will that Americans are dumb and addicted to lies.”

Cheney Backs NATO Membership for Georgia (NYT)--AdT backs The Hague membership for Cheney.

2008-09-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

Lieberman: Obama's eloquence 'no substitute for a record' (AP)--Lieberman the Pharisee cheerleader, Palin the Imelda of Wasilla, McCain a broken record. “My friends, my friends, P.O.W., P.O.W. P.O.W. . . . “

McCain ad: Palin more qualified than Obama (Politico)--She’s got three fathers.

Vital tax credits to wind, solar power industry in jeopardy (AP)--Big Oil contends “You can’t drill wind.”

2008-08-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

ABC Reporter Arrested in Denver Taking Pictures of Senators, Big Donors (ABC News)--The real story behind Dem “unity”: Chicago 1968 revisited and Photoshopped out of public consciousness.

Bill Clinton Vows to Do `Everything' He Can for Obama (Bloomberg)--Or else no more corporate jets and contributions to his international AIDs efforts and glam lifestyle.

McCain Keeps Everyone Guessing About VP Pick (AP)—Cheney by any other name. Veep rules.

2008-08-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

Rice signs missile defense deal with Poland (AP)--Image of John Paul II appears on missile shield.

Insurance gap leads some elderly to forgo medicine (AP)--Bush: “No geezer left behind.”

McCain not sure how many houses he and wife own (Politico)--Or which room he’s in. Clue: The padded cell.

2008-08-19T07:37:00.001-07:00

U.S. fears Russia returning to authoritarian past (Yahoo News)--Fear is all you need.

Obama appears ready to announce running mate (AFP)--O'bummer’s choice Pastor Hagee? Wouldn’t surprise AdT.

Study: Aboriginal children count without having words for numbers (AFP)--Outsource them to the Fed.

2008-08-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

Bush, Decrying ‘Bullying,’ Calls for Russia to Leave Georgia (NYT)--AdT's EXCLUSIVE SCOOP!!!! Bush’s Secret Service detail outsourced to Blackwater bartenders.

Bush Aides Say Russia Actions in Georgia Jeopardize Ties (NYT)--Maybe that's why he hasn’t been seen wearing one lately. He's been too busy groping U.S. Olympic women swimmers' bums.

Russia Seizes Arsenal Of US Weapons In Georgia (AFP)--After all this time, someone finds true location of weapons of mess and destruction.

2008-08-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

New Olympics fake scandal: The 9-year-old who 'sang' at Opening (telegraph.co.uk)--Voice traced to hundred year old eunuch who's been training for the Beijing Olympics since the Last Empress snipped his wontons off.

Pelosi indicates openness to offshore drilling vote (Bloomberg)--Jellyfish Pelosi wins 30 pieces of silver in backstroke competition.

Children wrap Calif. boy in toilet paper and set him on fire (Yahoo News)--Generation 'B,' America's youth who've grown up under Bush. They were planning to flush him down the toilet but he wouldn't fit so they had to make a decision.

2008-08-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

Georgia and Russia Nearing All-Out War (NYT)--Russian peacekeepers invade Georgia.

Attorney: Anthrax scientist never knew he was 'the suspect' (WTOP)--From AdT’s “Conspiracy Pragmatist’s Diary”:

Of course he didn’t know. He didn’t do it, they killed him, now they’re Swift Boating the dead. From "Art of Rove," Strategy No. 28, “Conserve water. Make the dead confess.”

Detroit mayor posts bond on 2 new felony charges for allegedly assaulting cops (Freep.com)--From "Art of Rove," Strategy No. 32: “Kill German Shepherds, send in the sheep-dogs.” They’re trying to provoke Obama into picking up the “race card.”

2008-08-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Games in Beijing Open With a Lavish Ceremony (NYT)--Mao wins surprise gold medal in pole vault over stadium.

Bin Laden's Driver Could Be Free in Months (AP)--To start new job driving Yellow Cab in Manhattan.

Gulf Council chief slams Iran for attacking Arab monarchies (AP)--“Leave us kings alone.”

2008-08-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Bush makes history as first president to attend Olympics abroad (AP)--Also the first US president to receive honorary degree from the U. of Taliban.

Rice: 'Time running out' on Iran (Politico)--And for the Hag of the Hague as well.

3 million bees found in Miami home (UPI)--FBI's secret sting operation: “Anthrax suspect kept them as back-up in case the mails failed."

2008-08-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

White House Denies Forging 9/11-Iraq Letter (AP)--Who let in these braying Asses of Evil?

China revokes visa of gold medalist, Darfur activist (AP)--They’d like the Tibetans to stop yakking, too.

Obama fails to make significant gains in public polling (AP)--Offshore drill it in his head: You can't appease everyone without displeasing someone.

2008-08-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

Answers in anthrax case may have died with suicide (AP)--From AdT’s “Conspiracy Pragmatist’s Diary”:

How neo-convenient.

Obama says he opposes slavery reparations, apology (AP)--Says slaves should apologize to owners.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Ancestor Unearthed in Poland (Reuters)--McCain makes surprise visit to Warsaw, asks to speak to Maliki.

2008-08-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

McCain defends Web ad mocking Obama as false Messiah (AP)--Thank you, Jesus.

Iran Heads Toward Nuclear `Breakthrough,' Israel Says (Bloomberg)--This from an Israeli prime minister currently under indictment for fraud and corruption. If you believe he's a credible source, we have a Wailing Wall to sell you.

NASA Spacecraft Confirms Martian Water (NASA.gov)--Think of the future water-boarding possibilities.

2008-07-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

'Know Your Power' Charts Pelosi's Path To Congress (NPR)--From Nancy Pelosi's 7/30/08 interview on “The View”:program. Question: “Why don’t you vote for impeachment?” Pelosi: “If someone had a crime that the president has committed, that would be a different story.”

The whole world knows about his crimes. We're just learning about hers.

Jobs with long vacations (Yahoo Features)--Justice Dept.: Monica Goodling, 2 to 5 years; John Ashcroft, 5 to 7; Michael Mukasey, 12 to 15 years; Alberto Gonzales, 25 to 30. Positions available. Submit your rap sheet.

Huge Ice Sheet Breaks Loose in Arctic (AP)--Pastor Hagee: “God’s punishment of gay penguins.”

2008-07-29T06:40:00.001-07:00

Bush Approves Execution of Army Private (AP)--When it comes to killing, he’s no draft dodger.

McCain Has Spot of Skin Removed From Face (AP)--The mark of McCain.

UPS saves money, 3 million gallons of fuel just by turning right (Good Morning Yahoo)--They’d save more if they turned left.

2008-07-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

McCain, Lance Live Strong (Atlantic.com)--From AdT’s “Conspiracy Pragmatist’s Diary”: Armstrong cycles with Bush in Crawford, shares stage with McCain . . . This guy is a follower, not a leader. Did he make a Faustian bargain to win the Tour de Lance seven times in a row to plant a propaganda message of American superiority prior to the Iraq invasion? Some undetectable snuff from Company alchemists? History will ultimately test his urine samples.

McCain visits German restaurant in Ohio (AP)--Makes most daring speech of his presidential campaign: “Ich bin ein bratwurst.”

Qantas flight drama: Eyewitness account of luggage coming UP through the floor (AP)--Behind the news: A trial cost cutting measure to eliminate luggage carousels on the ground.

2008-07-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Chinese warned on 'eight don't asks' when dealing with foreigners (AP)--O.K. to ask:

1) “Is your mother Tibetan?”
2) “Is your mother the Dalai Lama?”
3) “Have you ever sent your clothes to be cleaned at a Tibetan laundry?”
4) “Do you think that Richard Gere is more handsome than the Dalai Lama?”
5) “Were you a Tibetan in a past life? No? Welcome to the Olympics!”
6) “Don’t you think the air in the Himalayas is more polluted than the air in Beijing? Good answer.”
7) “We Chinese love Tibetans. Don’t you?”
8) “How many Tibetan monks does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Ten. Nine to meditate. One to ask a Chinese.”

2008-07-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

Iraq Leader Maliki Supports Obama's Withdrawal Plans (Spiegel Online)--McCain urges Maliki to visit Iraq at least once before he makes foreign policy statements.

How Obama slipped out of the country (Chicago Trib)--Question is, will they let him back in?

Honeytrap?: British PM's aide lost BlackBerry on China trip (Times Onlne)--And he thought he was flying Virgin.

2008-07-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

House Speaker Pelosi calls Bush 'a total failure' (AP)--Birds of a failure flock together.

Proposed George W. Bush Sewage Plant (AP)--We’re opposed to it because it gives sewage a bad name.

Israel's Hezbollah Prisoner Swap (AFP)--This appeasement is strictly kosher.

2008-07-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

Iraqis divided over U.S. troop withdrawal timetable (AP)--A “purple thumb” moment: 85 percent for withdrawal, 15 percent against (mostly Green Zone employees and other paid-for minions whose minority rights the U.S. is sworn to defend and uphold).

Ex-DOJ prosecutor put on terror watch list (AP)--In Bushworld, you’re nobody ‘till somebody hates you.

Bush, Rove and others attend funeral for Tony Snow (AP)--R.I.P., Tony! Rest in Propaganda.

2008-07-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Obama says New Yorker insulted Muslim Americans (NY Daily News)--New Yorker needs to beef up fact checkers in their cartoon dept. There hasn’t been a funny New Yorker cartoon in ages. That’s the real reason no one's laughing.

USA Today ad sales fell 27% in June (Bloomberg)--Ads outsourced to the Mumbai Herald.

Canada deports U.S. deserter who opposes Iraq War (Reuters)--What do you expect from a country that has its own crew of interrogators at Guantanamo? May maple syrup flood Ottawa.

2008-07-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Iraq handing out cash to people on the streets (AP)--Summer travel specials: Cheap charter flights from America to Baghdad. Boarding lines to start in the suburbs. "Buddy, can you spare a boarding-pass?"

Hunger may make people feel happy, new research suggests (AP)--We’ll have a Roveburger with everything under it.

'You are my orgy' - shock at Bruni's new album tribute to Sarkozy (Times Online)--AdT SCOOP!!! “Shorty” Sarkozy unmasked as writer of song’s lyrics!!!

2008-07-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

In Iranian Image, a Missile Too Many (NYT)--Do the math. All it takes is one missile to hit Tel Aviv. Question then arises: How many Israelis does it take to do the body count?

Sen. Phil Gramm, top economic adviser to John McCain, calls economic slowdown "mental recession;" the U.S. a “nation of whiners” (Politico)--We wonder which car he’s been sleeping in lately.

Marine sees birth, thanks to 6,000-mile Web hookup (NY Daily News)--What will the baby see when its eyes open?

2008-07-07T07:58:00.001-07:00

George W. Bush's greatest wish: Freedom from tyranny (Times Online)--Thus spake Zorrothustra.

Rice 'Proud' of Decision to Invade Iraq, World Not More Dangerous (Bloomberg)--The Hag of The Hague has no shoes.

Prayer Vigils at Gas Stations Across the Country (CNS.com)--Try unleaded Rapture.

2008-07-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Fourth has been foreclosed. Try again next year.

2008-07-02T07:16:00.001-07:00

U.S. government contradicts itself on ID theft advice (AP)--What do you expect from a government whose own identity has been stolen?

China inspired interrogations at Guantánamo (IHT)--Chinese Cheney feels no shamey.

Prince Charles' Car Runs on Wine (AP)--A very good year for the Tudor sedan.

2008-06-30T07:35:00.001-07:00

Supply concerns drive oil prices to new high of $143 a barrel (AP)--The supply concerns of happy speculators in a deal regulated market.

Iraq fails to sign contracts with global oil majors (AFP)--Rewrite headline to read “Iraq succeeds in not signing” or “temporarily forestalls signing,” why doncha?

Israeli authorities warn hospitals to prepare for earthquake (AFP)--"Earthquake?" Yeah, sure. They mean ballistic missiles from Iran in response to Israeli attack on alleged Iranian nuclear sites. Followed by possible Armageddon in the Middle East. Way to go.

2008-06-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

NASA scientists discover Martian soil could support crops (AP)--Martian patriots: “Support our crops!”

Sandstorms delay U.S. handover of Iraq's Anbar province (AP)--GOP Weather Forecast: A helluva sandstorm coming in November.

North Korea destroys atomic reactor in response to concessions (AP)--Nothing to it, or in it.

2008-06-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

John McCain doesn't work weekends (Politico)--He only sucks up to his masters five days a week.

San Francisco may name sewage treatment plant after Bush (Intl. Herald Tribune)--And, of course, a meat-packing plant for tainted meat from tortured dairy cows after Cheney.

Cindy McCain praises Diana as 'inspiration' (Times Online)--All we need in a First Lady, “Princess Sigh" aka the "Klaus Barbie Doll."

2008-06-24T07:33:00.001-07:00

McCain sports bandage atop his head (AP)--You should see the band-aid that's holding his brain together.

Dobson accuses Obama of `distorting' Bible (AP)--You can’t distort what’s already been distorted especially by the snake-handlers.

Pot group will ask Feds to allow marijuana in airport smoking lounges (Fox)--More effective than broadband for wireless browsing.

2008-06-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

Oil rebounds on word Israel practiced Iran attack (AP)--Self-fulfilling PR. Who spread the “word,” the oil company hyenas themselves? They start wars, then stage manage them. Next oil war, Iran. Shortsighted greed though: In the end, there will be vast oversupplies of oil but their own pumps will be bone dry.

Deals with Iraq are set to bring oil giants back (AFP)--Go ahead and sign anything you like. Then join the queue on the roof of the US embassy in Baghdad for the choppers to ferry you out to the aircraft carriers in the Gulf on the day of Shiite reckoning.

Surveillance Bill Offers Protection To Telecom Firms (Washington Post)--This is not a “sell-out” by the Dems as some critics claim. It’s clear that “Off the Table” Pelosi and her fellow Republicrats were in on Iraq, the torture, rendition, everything, from Day One. How can they be regarded as "traitors" when they’ve been and still are active collaborators in the Bush war crimes? Heads up to Pelosi & Co.: You'll be sitting in the Nuremberg dock one day soon.

2008-06-18T07:33:00.001-07:00

Obama has narrow lead on McCain: Reuters poll (AP)--AdT predicts: The election is over. McCain goes down the drain. Obama is in. Note to O: Watch your back, don’t go to Iraq. Don’t take their hate bait.

Bush looks offshore for remedy to high oil prices (AP)--You can fuel all the people some of the time, you can fuel some of the people all the time, but you can’t fuel all the people all the time.

Black Hawk helicopters rattle downtown Denver (Rocky Mountain News)--Rocky Mountain Heil! This is a Bush rogue state drill for enacting Directive 51 to keep them in power and out of jail.

2008-06-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Three-minute question may make McCain rethink Q&A forums (CNN.com)--Cheny offers to sit with McCain during Obama debates.

Robberies Rise, Economy Is Suspect (AP)--While Exxon and Countrywide execs drive Rolls Royce getaway cars.

Mobile phone addiction: Clinic treats children (telegraph.co.uk)--Therapy offered in special chat rooms.

2008-06-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

Bush Expresses Regret Over War Words (AP)--Liar, liar, codpiece on fire.

McCain won’t appear with Cheney (Politico)--Doesn’t want to cast a bad light on their future pardon deal.

Obscenity trial suspended after judge said he posted sexually explicit materials (LA Times)--Erection overruled.

2008-06-10T06:53:00.001-07:00

John McCain: The Constitution Established America as a Christian Nation (Propeller.com)--This isn’t the Hanoi Hilton anymore, Dorothy.

Obama Supports Housing Bill Creating National Fingerprint Registry (Propeller)--How come you didn’t ask your convicted pal Tony Rezko for his fingerprints when he sold you your back lot for el cheapo?

Bush orders contractors to check legal status of employees (AP)--We can’t wait for the House Judiciary Committee to check his.

2008-06-09T07:58:00.001-07:00

Pope to host Bush in medieval tower (Reuters)--To introduce him to the rack as it conserves on water.

Health risk of long-term cellphone use to be studied by scientists (Independent)--What bothers us more is the second-hand babble.

10 airports install body scanners: Devices can peer under passengers' clothes (USA Today)--New rating for Homeland porn: GX.

2008-06-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Tom DeLay calls Obama a Marxist (THBBR)--Is that like promoting the Cuban trade embargo while smoking Cuban cigars? Anyway, whatever happened to your 2005 indictment for violating campaign finance law? And why haven’t you been Raptured into jail yet?

McCain would like to see a man on Mars (AFP)--And then offers to debate him.

10 airports install body scanners: Devices can peer under passengers' clothes (USA Today)--Homeland porn now rated GXXX.

2008-06-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

Hillary angling to become Obama's running mate (AP)--Beware the grassy knoll and the bitchy know-it all. (i.e. The PMS Man).

McCain, Obama plunge into fall election campaign (AP)--It’s gonna be Obama, but oh, the melodrama! (Ref. AdT, then known as “Media P.O.W.,” and his Nov. 3, 2004 presidential race prediction: “It’s going to be Kerry, but it won’t be merry.”)

Iraq at odds with US over troop presence beyond 2008 (AFP)--So sorry, but your country has been foreclosed by The Carlyle Group.

2008-06-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

Denver 'Alien' Video Sighting Made Public: What's Peeping in the Window? (AOL News)--Hillary proposes Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission to certify alien superdelegates to Dem convention. Alpha Centaurians expected to tip nomination in her favor.

US accused of holding terror suspects on prison ships (UK Guardian)--Bush’s Love Boat now accepting passengers for one-way cruise to Hell.

Shuttle Heads to Space Station With $1 Billion Cargo (AP)--The price tag for Halliburton’s geosynchronous Porta-potty.

2008-05-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

Obama distances himself from another clergyman (AP)--In: Secular snake oil salesmen. Out: Evangelical snake oil salesmen.

White House Issues Climate Report 4 Years Late (AP)--Gist of the report: “It’s later than you think.”

McClellan: A Bush turncoat, or truth-seeker? (AP)--To tell the truth, he's both.

2008-05-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Dunkin' Donuts Pulls Rachael Ray Ad: Her 'Terrorist' Clothing Sparks Outrage (AOL News)--Ray announces she will enter Terrorists Anonymous program. Meanwhile, The Carlyle Group is pressured to divest its 80% ownership of Dunkin' Brands, the parent company.

Gay Marriage Advances in California, New York (AOL News)--One can only dream: One day, the first black transgendered president of the U.S. . . .

Dept. of Homeland Security joins forces with ABC for reality show (THR.com)--Turn in your Mama, turn in your Papa, turn in your neighbor, turn in your dog.

2008-05-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

McCain wants nuclear talks with China, Russia (AFP)--The Appeaser Geezer.

Former White House Press Secty. McClellan Rips Bush, White House (AP)--Pothead calling the cokehead high?

Myanmar extends Suu Kyi's house arrest as aid continues (AP)--But in rare concession she gets free Sunday Rangoon Times.

2008-05-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

McCain defends his opposition to financial aid for veterans (AP)—“They should have had enough sense to marry a rich heiress.”

Clinton Claims 'Cover-Up': Says Wife Is Winning Popular Vote, 'They're Trying to Get Her to Cry Uncle' (CNN/AOL)—Be strong, Bill. Tell her it’s time to pull up her fly and walk away, just like you did from Monica.

German scientists design more environmentally friendly bombs (Live Science.com)—Fewer carbon omissions.

2008-05-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

Clinton Sorry for RFK Assassination Remark (Wash Post)--Careful what you witch for.

Fox News Jokes About Killing Obama (AOL News)--Rupe pays court to Lady Thrasher.

Probe lands on Mars, NASA says (CNN)--But they can’t make Martians confess until they discover water.

2008-05-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

Bush: Early Iraq withdrawal would be 'catastrophic' (AFP)—What he really means is he won’t feel safe from prosecution if McCain loses the November election. So watch out for some national emergency that would trigger Bush’s nano-signing statement known as “Directive 51;” i.e. his unilateral declaration of martial law.

John McCain Opens His Medical Records (AP)—With the help of a team of surgeons.

Democrats' reorganized data blunts GOP voter targeting efforts (Politico)—“The Art of Gore,” second revised edition.

2008-05-22T05:50:00.001-07:00

This Morning’s Headlines (Neighborhood, USA)—It’s pitch dark outside, here come the paperboy and girl on their paper route, tossing newspapers at doorways from their pick-up truck. They’re husband and wife in their mid-seventies trying to make their ends meet. Good Morning, USA Today!

Rice defends Bush policy on Iran as ‘successful’ (AFP)—The Hag of The Hague sieg heils her Decider.

Top banks call for relaxed write-down rules (FT.com)—Upside-down pyramid scheme.

2008-05-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

Homeland Security Stands by Its Fence (NYT)-The Whaling Wall.

American to slash domestic capacity at least 11 percent (AP)—Soon only people’s shoes will be permitted to fly as barefoot owners remain behind.

Cancer-sniffing dog being cloned in South Korea (AFP)—Scientists discover source of Fountain of Youth in dead people.

2008-05-20T08:20:00.002-07:00

White House denies report that Bush intends to attack Iran (AP)—Of course he’s not. He’s just giving the orders.

Bush apologizes over Koran shooting in Iraq (AFP)—No comment from Cheney. He’s off Qu’ran hunting with his Confederate flag lodge-boy buddies.

Oil prices pass $129 a barrel for first time, head for $130 (AP)—Good ‘till the last drop of consumer blood.

2008-05-20T08:20:00.001-07:00

White House denies report that Bush intends to attack Iran (AP)—Of course, he’s not. He’s just giving the orders.

Bush apologizes over Koran shooting in Iraq (AFP)—No comment from Cheney. He’s off Qu’ran hunting with his Confederate flag lodge-boy buddies.

Oil prices pass $129 a barrel for first time, head for $130 (AP)—Good ‘till the last drop of consumer blood.

2008-05-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

Bush lectures Arab world on freedom and democracy (AP)—Stick a codpiece over it, will ya?

Immigration Raid Jars Small Town (Wash Post)—The fence wasn’t high enough?

China Suspends Olympic Torch Relay to Mourn Victims (AP)—We prefer their Rove to our Rove.

2008-05-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Texas Mega-Church Minister Caught in Sex Sting (AP)—His defense: “It’s not my fault I found a 13-year old on my collection plate.”

Bush says Saudi oil boost doesn't solve U.S. problem (AP)—To paraphrase Dylan: “There’s no success like a full tank, and yours is empty.”

Iraqi forces detain 1,000 al-Qaeda suspects in northern Iraq (Reuters)—Backed by 160,000 American troops and massive air power.